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With midterm primaries in the news, the left-wing media has been focusing a lot of its attention on Republican candidates. For instance, the New York Times<\/em>, a former newspaper, recently ran an article with the headline, \u201cBad Trump Ruins Everything,\u201d in which columnist Nicholas Kristof speculated that the primary defeat of anti-Israel congressman Thomas Massie may have been due to an attack by Israeli rape dogs, imaginary animals whom Kristof claims have been trained to sexually assault antisemites. Kristof\u2019s article was about to go on to examine the power of Trump\u2019s endorsements, when he suddenly emitted a high-pitched scream, after which the article fell ominously silent.<\/p>\n In another\u00a0Times<\/em> article, this one headlined, \u201cTrump Bad, Everything Ruined,\u201d the author speculated that Trump\u2019s endorsement of Ken Paxton for Senate may turn deep red Texas into a blue state, if Republicans are unable to vote because they\u2019re too busy laughing at this article. A third\u00a0Times<\/em>\u00a0article, headlined, \u201cTrump Trump Trump Bad Bad Bad Ruin Ruin Ruin,\u201d merely contained those words repeated at random for several pages.<\/p>\n Now, of course, it\u2019s always important to hear what the left-wing media is saying. In the same sense, it\u2019s always important to hit yourself in the groin with a hammer. But for a change of pace, we here at the Daily Wire have decided to take a closer look at candidates on the Democrat side, because we\u2019ve just come from watching the monkeys at the zoo throwing dung at random passersby, and we want the fun to continue.<\/p>\n In Texas, the Democrat Senate candidate is James Talarico, a Christian theologian who argues that the role of the Virgin Mary in giving birth to Jesus proves that God is in favor of crushing the heads of unborn children, then tearing their bodies apart limb from limb. A spokeswoman for the Queen of Heaven says that the Virgin Mary will not be responding to Talarico\u2019s comments because she can\u2019t use the words that would properly convey her opinions, because she\u2019s the Virgin Mary.<\/p>\n Socialist Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez not only won her primary but is jockeying to position herself as a 2028 presidential candidate. AOC, who studied economics at Sister Ignoramuses School for Wayward Girls, explains her socialist economic theory this way:<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s this big pile of money that comes from somewhere. Then, just as we\u2019re about to share it out equally, Elon Musk suddenly rushes in and steals so much of it, there\u2019s not even enough left for me to pay off my psychiatrist with taxpayer dollars. This is why I\u2019ve said repeatedly that Elon Musk is stupid, because if I could see a psychiatrist, I wouldn\u2019t be talking like this.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Unfortunately, Elon Musk was unable to respond to being called stupid because he\u2019d just flown to Mars in his new electric space-car, but had not yet installed the final communications satellite link that would allow him to call Earth from the offices of the new terraforming company he\u2019s built on the Red Planet. AOC reacted to this by saying, \u201cNow you see what I mean. If Elon Musk is so smart, how come his crappy Mars phone doesn\u2019t work?\u201d<\/p>\n Another possible Democrat presidential candidate is California Governor Gavin Newsom, who lists his achievements as: causing the weather to be consistently good in Santa Barbara, looking very concerned as Los Angeles burned to the ground, and receiving a hundred billion dollars for Medicare and a high-speed train, both of which he plans to provide as soon as he finds out what happened to the hundred billion dollars. Newsom says he also proved himself a great leader during the Chinese Flu pandemic, because he never let himself despair like some of those idiots who stayed home all the time wearing useless masks.<\/p>\n In Maine, Democrats are running Graham Platner for Senate. Platner sports a Totenkopf, or death\u2019s head tattoo, favored by Nazi SS officers. But in his memoir, entitled Maine Kampf<\/em>, Platner explains that the tattoo does not mean he sympathizes with Nazis, but simply refers to his wish to slaughter every Jew on earth and then take over Europe. Platner does admit that, if his plans are carried out, he\u2019s sort of going to miss those hot rape dogs.<\/p>\n\n