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This article is part of <\/span><\/i>Upstream<\/span><\/i><\/a>, The Daily Wire\u2019s new home for culture and lifestyle. Real human insight and human stories \u2014 from our featured writers to you.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n ***<\/span><\/p>\n There\u2019s an unhinged 82-year-old in the woods of upstate New York, and she\u2019s set to get $83 million from the president. But we may have been bamboozled by this career advice columnist even before she took Donald Trump to the cleaners in court.<\/span><\/p>\n Now, the U.S. Department of Justice is reportedly opening a <\/span>criminal investigation<\/span><\/a> into whether E. Jean Carroll perjured herself during civil proceedings, while poking into the <\/span>nonprofit<\/span><\/a> that contributed funds to her cause.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In <\/span>2019<\/span><\/a>, Carroll gathered mainstream media behind her as she accused President Trump of a sexual assault that happened 25 years earlier at high-end retailer Bergdorf Goodman. Trump denied that the incident ever happened, but a jury found him liable for defamation and a “lesser degree of sexual abuse<\/a>” (<\/span>not assault<\/span><\/a>), awarding $5 million to Carroll. After calling her \u201c<\/span>not my type<\/span><\/a>\u201d in a deposition, Trump continued making public statements claiming <\/span>not to know her<\/span><\/a>, adding that she was just trying to sell books.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n First asking for $24 million for Carroll\u2019s \u201canguish and fear\u201d in light of defamatory comments by Trump, Carroll\u2019s attorney <\/span>Roberta Kaplan<\/span><\/a> later confirmed her request of the jury: \u201cI said to them \u2026 \u2018You need to give enough money to make him stop.\u2019\u201d The court granted Carroll $83.3 million.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n While the scales of justice may tilt ever in her favor, Carroll\u2019s sojourn on this mortal coil is supremely unsympathetic.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Styling herself as a would-be <\/span>Audrey Hepburn<\/span><\/a> in a bizarro \u201cBreakfast at Bergdorf\u2019s,\u201d Carroll described her presence as \u201cthe most attractive woman in Bergdorf\u2019s,\u201d telling CNN\u2019s <\/span>Anderson Cooper<\/span><\/a> that Trump called her \u201cold\u201d just before the incident. But a key part of her interview has since been edited out of the clip: the moment Carroll said, \u201c<\/span>Most people think of rape as being sexy. Think of the fantasies<\/span><\/a>,\u201d as Cooper fumbled to cut the live feed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We\u2019ll never know what really went down in Bergie D\u2019s that day, but E. Jean Carroll\u2019s account may be cluttered by her thirst for a good story.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Carroll kicked off her campaign against the then-45th president by posing for the cover of <\/span>New York magazine<\/span><\/a> in the same dress she was wearing the day she was allegedly attacked. It smacked of <\/span>Jussie Smollett<\/span><\/a> keeping his fake attacker\u2019s rope looped around his neck for the cops to see, in his own busted hoax that happened several months before Carroll\u2019s covergirl stunt.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n After being forensically tested, Carroll\u2019s dress showed <\/span>unidentified male DNA<\/span><\/a>, none of which was \u201c<\/span>sperm<\/span><\/a>\u201d (she alleged <\/span>penetration<\/span><\/a>). Trump declined to provide DNA samples, and counsel for both sides dropped the DNA issue. Maybe the \u201cunidentified male DNA\u201d was from Trump \u2014 or maybe it was from a male assistant steaming the bejesus out of the wardrobe options on the garment rack. Just give her a hundred mil and a book deal.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Carroll\u2019s \u201c<\/span>riveting<\/span><\/a>\u201d recollection of her rape trial, \u201cNot My Type: One Woman vs. a President,\u201d became a \u201chilarious, hopeful\u201d New York Times bestseller in 2025, six years after her \u201c<\/span>darkly humorous<\/span><\/a>\u201d \u201cWhat Do We Need Men For? A Modest Proposal\u201d hit the bestseller list in 2019, just a month after Carroll first published her Trump saga.<\/span><\/p>\n Carroll\u2019s complete list of those she dubbed \u201cHideous Men\u201d was also published in New York magazine, where she recounted <\/span>six other alleged attacks<\/span><\/a> that seemingly never saw the inside of a courtroom. Possibly the most prominent figure was CBS exec <\/span>Leslie Moonves<\/span><\/a>, whom she never sued. Explaining why, <\/span>she told the court<\/span><\/a>, “[Moonves] just denied it. He didn’t call me names and grind my face through the mud like Donald Trump did.”<\/span><\/p>\n In the same magazine, she alleged that Trump got what she called \u201c<\/span>grindy-grindy, grabby-grabby<\/span><\/a>\u201d with other women, too. She even offered a regular \u201cHideous Men\u201d walking tour in New York City, beginning at the north entrance to Bergdorf Goodman. What victim wouldn\u2019t want to retrace their alleged assaults by Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer, Roger Ailes, Bill O\u2019Reilly, and Charlie Rose on the first and third Sunday of every month?<\/span><\/p>\n Carroll\u2019s mid-’90s empty lingerie department narrative is riddled with questionable details. First, it\u2019s notable that someone who professionally doled out relationship and sex advice for a living in \u201cAsk E. Jean\u201d waited decades (and most of his first term in office) to accuse Trump of misbehavior. Also, according to her, <\/span>she was flirting<\/span><\/a> with Trump on an entirely empty floor of Bergdorf Goodman. She says she joked that he should try on a mesh bodysuit she had suggested he buy as a gift. True victimhood aside, where did she think she was driving this bus?<\/span><\/p>\n A former <\/span>cheerleader and beauty queen<\/span><\/a>, Carroll could have gone semi-quietly into the night, if she weren\u2019t still doing everything she could to feed off the spotlight. Two years before speaking out about Trump, she gave <\/span>ELLE<\/span><\/a> a tour of her \u201cGrey Gardens\u201d-esque cabin, where she lives by herself. Carroll declared, \u201cI get up around noon, and I stagger outside \u2026 and I throw open my arms and I thank God I don\u2019t have children!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n She then recounted one advice-seeker who couldn\u2019t get over an obsession with an ex after 22 years. \u201cShe and I have a lot in common,\u201d <\/span>Carroll said<\/span><\/a>, before showing the cameras how she painted <\/span>all the nearby trees blue<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Thrilled to tout her $83 million settlement in the media, Carroll\u2019s <\/span>warbly elder voice quivered<\/span><\/a> as she recalled facing Trump in court for the first time in almost three decades. She told <\/span>ABC<\/span><\/a>, \u201cI\u2019d like to give the money to something Donald Trump hates \u2026 perhaps a fund for the women who have been sexually assaulted by Donald Trump.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Later, she told <\/span>Katie Couric<\/span><\/a> she would be donating to \u201cwomen\u2019s reproductive rights,\u201d \u201cvoting rights,\u201d and \u201cimmigrants in L.A. who are being dragged by the heels into, you know, I don\u2019t know.\u201d She also aspired toward \u201c<\/span>making sure women can become lawyers<\/span><\/a>,\u201d along with backing the ASPCA \u201cbecause [Trump] doesn\u2019t have a dog.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Carroll also joked about other plans for the money. \u201cYou and I are gonna go shopping,\u201d she excitedly told <\/span>Rachel Maddow<\/span><\/a>. \u201cWe\u2019re gonna get completely new wardrobes, new shoes \u2026 Rachel, what do you want? [A] penthouse? It\u2019s yours, Rachel!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Still, maybe Carroll\u2019s intentions had more to do with Trump\u2019s reelection campaign than any untoward Bergdorf\u2019s encounters. \u201cHe\u2019s gonna lose the election,\u201d she told <\/span>Fortune<\/span><\/a> in early 2024. \u201cHe\u2019s behaved like an a** for the last year. It\u2019s not going to fool, uh, enough Americans who are really pretty smart.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n She has <\/span>yet to receive<\/span><\/a> any of the money, but based on how Carroll glows when talking about Bergdorf\u2019s, calling it \u201c<\/span>posh and cozy \u2026 I just love it<\/span><\/a>,\u201d perhaps her next New York Times bestseller should be about a Trump-funded shopping spree.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n