Eric Swalwell has ended his campaign for California governor and resigned from Congress, saying he wants to spend more time with his family, a drunken staffer, and the woman he has imprisoned in the oubliette in his basement. Swalwell made his decision after several women accused him of doing what everyone knew he was doing but no one said he was doing until it turned out his crappy gubernatorial campaign might get a Republican elected in California.
Swalwell said the charges that he pestered, assaulted and even raped women were as untrue as the charges Swalwell himself leveled against Brett Kavanaugh, if you didn’t count all the women Swalwell pestered, assaulted and raped. In a statement Swalwell issued while simultaneously attempting to keep a straight face, the former congressman said: “I want to declare categorically that I never had non-consensual sex with a Chinese spy and when I did have sex with a Chinese spy, I not only had her consent but the consent of the entire Chinese Communist Party. Even then, I never once shared with her any of the classified information I was privy to on the House Intelligence Committee, except a few times when I might have shouted out the occasional tidbit in the throes of ecstasy, which could have happened to anyone because the Chinese teach their spies to do some amazing, amazing stuff in the sack. As for the other women I forced myself on, those assaults were totally consensual. And sure, some of those babes might have been drunk at the time, but it’s not my fault if they can’t hold their roofies.”
Swalwell is also accused of sending women pictures of his penis in the belief that somewhere in our infinite multiverse with its numberless versions of reality, there exists an alternate timeline which includes a woman who wants to see a picture of Eric Swalwell’s penis, a belief that turned out to be entirely untrue.
Swalwell’s fellow Democrats said they were absolutely shocked to find out he had been doing what they knew he’d been doing, and said they would have spoken out earlier had they known what they obviously knew. Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, for instance, said, “If I had for one moment suspected what I was absolutely sure of, I would never have allowed Swalwell to remain on the Intelligence Committee while he was clearly banging a Chinese spy.” Pelosi then vanished, as her entire body was subsumed by the bottomless moral emptiness within her, but Democrats said they nonetheless hoped to convince her to run for re-election.
Other leftist hacks were also stunned to learn what they already knew. For instance, the New York Times, a former newspaper, ran an editorial that said, “It is long past time that we as a society learned to believe all women who were too drunk to remember what actually happened, and then went for years pretending it hadn’t happened, and then said it happened but were too drunk to remember what it was. Swalwell is a married man, and this paper feels it is wrong to commit adultery when your crappy gubernatorial campaign might get a Republican elected. Otherwise, of course, we recommend adultery as a fun way to freshen up your marriage, until not only your family but hopefully the American family as an institution falls to pieces, leading to the collapse of liberty, which would allow wise elites like ourselves to impose a socialist paradise or at least kill anyone who says it’s not a paradise, which amounts to the same thing.”
Feminists also attacked Swalwell. Stanford Professor of Advanced Hostility Susan Shrike, author of the bestselling feminist tract “I Almost Hate You More Than Myself,” spoke to reporters in an ear-splitting skirl of inhuman sound, saying, “The worst aspect of Swalwell’s behavior is that he makes it seem as if feminists should not have supported a sexual revolution that denied the procreative purpose of sex and its accompanying moral restrictions. That would mean feminists were wrong about everything, and we feminists don’t believe that because we’re wrong about everything. And while we’re on the subject of Eric Swalwell, where’s that picture of his penis he promised me?”
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
