Sociologists and other complete wastes of space are working around the clock to try to determine why women are no longer having babies, aside from the fact that babies wake them up all the time and crap all over everything.
The birthrate has been dropping everywhere except in sub-Saharan Africa and Israel. If present trends continue, scientists predict the world’s population will soon be reduced to nothing but black people and Jews, blissfully enjoying an earthly paradise, where every basketball player can find an accountant, although no one will know how to tie a Windsor knot.
Some researchers feel that the so-called birth dearth is the result of the widespread use of online pornography. Columbia University sociologist Dr. Roland Fapmeister has been studying the effects of porn for the last seven years, ten, and eleven hours a day.
In a report to the United Nations panel titled, “Why There Are So Many Damned Israelis All Over the Place,” Dr. Fapmeister said:
There can be no doubt that many men have come to prefer porn to actual sex, because the women in porn have such spectacular bodies it’s enough to make a man insane with desire so that he can’t stop coming back again and again and again to watch these magnificent creatures do anything you want in bed, and with real enthusiasm too, they don’t just roll their eyes and play along and then make snide remarks about how they could have married Bill Burley from High School, who was a real man. Afterwards, you can turn them off, so they don’t start complaining about why you haven’t taken out the garbage or how come you can’t get a real job instead of locking yourself in the bathroom for hours, making disgusting grunting noises that make them think you’re up to something creepy, even when you tell them it’s scientific research, for crying out loud.
Dr. Fapmeister says the porn sites most appealing to men are those that depict women doing things real women often won’t do, like making dinner or showing them some respect.
Feminist sociologist Dr. Shrill Screamington says the baby famine is actually a good thing. It’s a sign of female empowerment, proving that women are no longer chained to staying at home serving husbands who love them but can instead stay in the office serving employers who could back their Mercedes over them and never notice the bump. The employer, however, might think the parking lot needs resurfacing, text his personal assistant about it, and wonder why she never gets back to him.
Dr. Screamington says that while it is true that feminism has led many women to spend their youths in a fluorescent hell of cubicle drudgery until they find themselves languishing in a solitary middle age marked by a sense of unspeakable emptiness made all the more unbearable by the unacknowledged but inescapable fact that it’s the result of their own self-certain but altogether misguided choices, including that nose ring that sent all the best marriage prospects running for their lives, there have also been many feminist triumphs. For instance, Americans are now so comfortable with seeing females in power that over 150 women are serving in Congress despite the fact that each and every one of them is crazier than a hamster on LSD.
At The New York Times, a former newspaper, sex columnist Susan Horwich agrees with the feminist position. In a recent speech to the “Society for Increasing Human Misery in the Name of Fairness,” Ms. Horwich said her weekly Times columns will continue to urge women to abandon institutions like marriage and religion that have imprisoned them in traditional roles as homemakers and mothers, and instead live lives of sterile promiscuity until there are no babies at all and the earth is a smoking ruin filled with nothing but basketball players and accountants, at which time, Satan will return to carry Ms. Horwich like a lover into an eternity of flames, as he promised he would when she sold him her soul in return for the Times job.
